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  • The Time I Got Hit On By A Twelve-Year-Old At The Zoo

    So I had a friend who was taking a class called “The Evolution of Sex” where they basically learned how different animals fuck, and they were going on a field trip to the zoo. I went with her, because the zoo in Chicago is free. She had to go meet up with the rest of her class, so I wandered around on my own, which was nice because it was 9:30 in the morning and the zoo was mostly empty, no crowds of families blocking your view and getting in your way all over the place. Plus the animals were more active than they ever are in the afternoons. Like, none of them were napping! It was a miracle. The leopard was pacing a worn figure-eight path around her enclosure and the servals were growling at each other and the lions were rolling around on their backs and stretching. I stayed around the big cats mostly because they’ve been my favorites ever since I was little. By the time I left that area there were ladies leading groups of preschoolers around on big leashes, and they were almost as cute as the animals, so I watched them for a while, and then I went over to the next closest enclosure, which turned out to be these weird pigs that were a dark redish-brown and had long tufty ears. And then, lo and behold, one of the weird pigs jumps up and mounts the other pig. And I’m like, “Is this really happening?” and look around for my friend or anyone else from her Evolution of Sex class because seriously, they should be here watching the animal sex, not me. But the only people around were this group of middle school students who must’ve been on a field trip too. Their chaperone seemed to be turning them loose, and they were all headed my way. And I was like, “Oh shit, here I am watching pigs mating and a bunch of middle schoolers are about to join me, what is my life?” But I didn’t want to pass up this opportunity to see weird pig sex so I thought, “Fuck it, this is a public zoo, I can stay if I want to, these kids probably won’t even stand near me.” But of course I was wrong about that, because I was in the spot that had the best view of the fucking pigs, and of course the middle schoolers want to watch whatever kind of pornography they can lay eyes on, even if it’s weird pigs, so pretty soon I was in the middle of this big cluster of middle school boys and we were all watching the one pig mounting the other pig, and the boys were yelling shit like “Do it from the BACK!” and “HIT THAT!” and “SLAP HER ASS!” and “GET IT!” and generally egging the fucking pigs on. And then this poor girl came to see what all the boys were looking at, and she tapped my arm and pointed at the pigs and asked, “What are they doing?” And at first I thought she was fucking with me, but then I looked at her face and I got the feeling that she wasn’t, so I decided to be real with her and just say, “They’re having sex.” And she looked back at the pigs and looked flabbergasted for a moment, but then she started giggling like mad. And I was thinking, where the HELL is the chaperone?? And then everything escalated because the pigs turned a little, and now we could all see the dick of the pig on top, and it was long and curly like a cartoon pig’s tail, and it was SQUIRMING AROUND like a worm or something, and I was like “That’s it, I’m out of here.” So I turned to walk away—and all those little bastards followed me! They all shrieked and turned away too and one kid steps up next to me as I’m walking away and says, “That was pretty gross.” And I smiled kinda uncomfortably and was like, “Yep.” But the kid kept walking next to me, and he asked, “Are you in high school?” and I recognized the appraising look on his face and was like, “Oh fuck no, this is not happening.” But it was. I was like, “No, I’m in college,” and the kid and all his friends trailing behind us were like “Oooooooooooooh,” and then the kid was like “You look pretty smart” and looked me up and down again. And I was like “Hahahahahhahahaha thanks” and looking for somewhere to get the fuck out of this situation. And then he says, “You could be my study buddy!” in a voice that didn’t sound like he was thinking about studying at all and more thinking about the pigs we just watched having sex, and DUDE! I don’t know how to react when people my own age flirt with me, what the fuck do I say to a stranger so young it would be LITERALLY ILLEGAL to have relations with him?!? So I panicked and was like “HAHAHAHA HAHAHA HA HAHA I’m sure u don’t need a study buddy lol,” and I tried to walk faster and finally, fucking FINALLY, their chaperone showed up and yelled “TYRELL!” The kid whipped around so fast that it probably would have been less dramatic if he had done a backflip, and then he and his entourage ran back the way we came. Just in time, too, because I was about to walk right through a gateway marked “EMPLOYEES ONLY,” because I was paying zero attention to where I was going while the kids were still following me. I probably would have gotten kicked out of the park or something. But luckily I stopped short in time and just pretended to be admiring the snowy owl nearby while I frantically texted my friend to find out where she was so I could go join her and tell her about the whole mess. And that’s the story of how I got hit on by a twelve-year-old at the zoo.